Riddles and codes

and then im thinking.
what if someone i write about reads it?
WHO CARES.
Andrea, honestly no1 is going to read this
no1 even knows you have 1
except for the select few you told.


im so used to talking in riddles and codes.
i dont think i actually know how to tell someone exactly how i feel.
i'm always afraid that any info i give will be used against me.
and it will.

ive always observed people and tried to figure them out.
but i cant even figure myself out.
why am i so afraid to fall in love.
ive never had a broken heart
but ive broken many.

i want to want to fall in love.
does that make sense?
i don't think i'm capable of it.
its not that i don't love people.
i love everyone. a lot.
maybe thats why i have so many problems.
the things(and people) i cant have are always the ones i want the most.
i almost don't want him to like me because
im afraid as soon as he starts pursuing me i'll loose interest.

funny he is so used to having girls want him that he takes them for granted.
sounds familiar.

yuck.
i think im going to delete.
and then empty the trash.
hah

gosh the point of a blog is to get your thoughts out.
but whenever i come to post.
they all cram to get free and end up getting stuck in the door
so im sitting here with a mess in my head.
another day another pointless blog.

woohoo!! i got music on my blogs!
ahahaha i am so amazing.
and so is my music.
thats all.

the retreat was everything i wanted and more.
it was amazing. like an escape from reality.
i loved the couches and the games and the cabins.
i feel so renewed. or at least i did when i 1st got back.
right before my world came crashing down.
or at least the part with one of my best friends.
i would never have imagined it could end so quickly.
all because of some gossip that someone told.
i feel like hating the person who spread it but the truth is,
if my relationship had had a solid foundation
then something as small as a rumor wouldn't have made a difference.
so here i am
1 less friend. and 1 more lesson learned.


moving on.
my question 4 the day :
is it possible for me to be really good friends with a guy
without being attracted to them at all?

i feel like i am walking a picked fence.
not so good


i realize that i don't trust girls.
they are not sincere.
(with the exception of two people.)
i would not tell a girl even my smallest secrets
i would rather hang out with guys any day.
only thing is. i don't trust the guys that dislike like me.
and i run from the guys that do like me.

were does that leave me.

Happy Valentines Day!!!
it was great.
i think i am spoiled.
any other girl would think
getting a couple valentines candy n roses is great.
but no.
38 roses is hard to beat.
as great as it feals to get valentines its nothing
compared to seeing someones who thinks that they've been forgotten
and everyone else has a balloon and candy
to see there face light up as you hand them a valentine.
why do some girls get 30 and others get none.
it reminds me of a charlie brown comic that i read


i am looking foward to the retreat with all my heart.lol
i can't wait for the drive up
i cant wait to play capture the flag
and poker
i cant wait to dance in the cabins at night
and in the field
if i can do those things and maybe one other i will be happy.
:)
i am dreading driving all the way back for lazertag.


i am directionally challenged.

Music is my Language
Music and touch.
its like the air i breath
a song can describe your life.
i feel like its a soundtrack.


i long for the warm balmy nights
and the crickets in the grass
lying on my trampoline smelling the earth
a different nail polish color on every toe.
someone laughing beside me
not a care in the world


it wa so nice today it reminded me of that.