Daydreams & Bonfires

2010-11-28T10:42:00.000-08:00

did i think that running away would erase my problems
i will not live my life in mediocrity
Italia
chocolates
bread
and lots of olive oil

its not that i didn't love you
its that i wasn't ready to be your trophy
its been raining for weeks
but a day of sun is all it takes
to remind me i love it here

2010-02-01T15:36:00.000-08:00

they say your feel better if you let it out
but the tears keep falling and nothings changed
happiness is an obligation but
if noone cares then does it matter

maybe all i need is some sleep
when i awake things will be the way they should be

i dont even know how it should be anymore

a date to the banquet

this is as close as i've been to hating the world

all i can see are masks and stares

sure i dont love
maybe im just to afraid to admit that, that is all i want
because once they have your heart
they hold the gun

2009-11-21T22:35:00.000-08:00

another birthday.
yay.
none of my friends called me at midnight.
in my dormroom at 10:30 on a Saturday night.
well.... at least i got the birthday dance
from some random friends that i found.
:) lei you are amazing.

YAY!!! Evan and william you tottaly made my night :)

Oh southern

2009-11-08T19:07:00.000-08:00

Well.... im still here.
bought christmas lights today.
flirted with a guy who has a girlfriend.
checked grades .... and almost cried.
Boob died.
i flushed him down the toilet.
..mikes hard lemonade.. tastes like lemonade.
dates with guys i just want as friends ....
and just friends with guys i want to date.

Oh my.

2009-08-12T21:01:00.000-07:00

what is this place that smells of cookies and rain...
i finally fell in love.. and lost it
starting over
i should be used to it by now.
...... i miss him.
not ready for this.
everything is too scary

ಲವ್ ಮೇ ಫಾರೆವೆರ್
a date... and a glass bridge...
a hand to hold
and still not the same. the smell is all wrong..

falling for your best friend.....
a horrible idea..

laying in the pouring rain
as the water rises around you closing in around your lips...
breathing water as it turns to fire...
this is the life i have chosen
and i am happy....
will anyone save me from myself
from the powers of the world that i drench in painted honey..
i love you.

2008-11-30T20:18:00.000-08:00

ಎಸ್ತೆಬನ್
worlds apart
you always made me laugh.
since calling me Switchfoot
to barely passing pre-cal.
this poems for you.

to one crazy gymnast, cause with you there are no limits.

its hard to write for someone
that ive hardly even known
you flirted with me like no other.
at times you reminded me of my brother
i ripped the picture that you drew.
..you looked at me and paper flew..

i guess this is all i have to say.
i suppose ill write some more someday.

2008-09-21T15:17:00.000-07:00

Well its been awhile.
im going back to sva in an hr.
wish i could stay.
its like everyone is shifting and changing
and everytime i come back im puzzle piece
that is getting harder to fit back into the puzzle.

is kissing supposed to be fun?

would it really be so bad to try a cigarette...

is it to late to change my mind?
yes. even if it wasnt to late would i?
no.

it is so easy to just become complacent.

James. i like him right?

or at least i'm supposed to.

so many questions
and i know the answers
but it always easier to believe
when you hear it from someone else.

the Storm within

2008-07-03T18:21:00.001-07:00

This blog is for Joylyn.

"so, this is me living my life."

The green before the rain.-- is not a quote but if it was it would be my favorite.

when you can smell the storm coming.
outside the grass swaying back and forth
an iridescent shade of green.
the leaves can be heard whispering,
slowly crescendoing into urgent song.
and then the rain.
longing.
to become the storm
soaking into my skin. melting
running down my face.
then there is nothing left
take me with you
into the ravaging winds
the murderous clouds
give me clarity.

2008-06-26T20:33:00.000-07:00

You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
~Winston Churchill

If we discover a desire within ourselves that nothing in this world can satisfy;
we should begin to wonder if, perhaps, we were created for another world.
~C.S. Lewis

I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.
~Billy Graham

Love is a friendship caught on fire.
~Northern Exposure

I've spent so much time thinking about all the answers to the problem,
that I forget what the problem *actually* was.
~Claire Colburn[Elizabethtown]

Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world,
are the ones who do.
~Jack Kerouac

Imperfection is beauty. Madness is genius. &&
its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring <3
~Marilyn Monroe

Content makes poor men rich;
discontent makes rich men poor.
-Ben Franklin

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel. -Maya Angelou

the opposite of love is not hatred but indifference.
-Elie Wiesel

If fifty million poeple say a foolish thing,
it is still a foolish thing. -Anatole France

Love for the joy of loving and not for the offerings of someone else's Heart.
-Marlene Dietrich

To the dull mind all of nature is leaden.
To the Illuminated mind the whole world sparkles with light.
-ralph Waldo Emerson

I am looking for a lot of men who have an infinite capacity to not know what can't be done.
-Henry Ford

there are two ways of exerting one's strength:
one is pushing down, the other is pulling up.
-Booker T. Washington

Love never Known

2008-06-22T14:09:00.000-07:00

She always did the right thing
so worried about reputation.
he was a flirt, didn't care.
so naive she fell so hard
of love so unaware.
they knew it would not last.
4 years she didn't tell.
a high school love never known
so scared of rejection never knowing acception
now the chance has gone and past
and she can move on at last.

its not you, its me.

2008-06-16T20:13:00.000-07:00

Oh Blog,
i have forsaken you.

My life is just so busy as it is.

Our relationship just is not as important as it once was.

believe me when i say its not you its me...
Er.. and then theres this guy.. or maybe a couple.

Im sorry! i know you are more important
but the chemistry just isn't here.
you always listen but never speak

i need someone who i can talk to.

to put it bluntly theres just no sex appeal
i cant even see you!

All that said.
you are still the only one who can understand me.
and i come back to you once again. :)

oh love

2008-06-05T19:01:00.000-07:00

You were such a surprise an unexpected gift.
said i was pretty and i believed it.
not really used to all this attention.

told myself i don't deserve you
and this is just a phase
could i get used to being loved the right way
i want to argue but there is nothing to say
oh love i think i'm ready ...

Freedom!

2008-05-18T19:37:00.000-07:00

the weirdest thing just happened.
i just realized that all those annoying crushes are gone!
im free!!! it is the coolest feeling ever.
its like the feeling on the last day of school with the whole summer ahead of me.
yup thats how it feels not to have a crush on ne1.

2008-05-13T17:55:00.000-07:00

Oh, to my dearest friend nick.

Once there was this boy.
he was always out to destroy
never did he think that it might annoy.
his hair was the color of chocolate
many times he acted like a rat.
it's prolly cause he never had a cat
many secrets he does hide
so stay away from his bad side

One day came a dinosaur with a star on its head
and a stitch for a mouth.
she saw this boy with a mop on its head
and hole for a mouth
her he made his victim
she even met his friend named Tim
He always followed his every whim
and boy his hair needed a trim
Many boys she had known
but none quite like this one.
so she said i will befriend
..even till the end
for words are things that we can mend.

You had Me at Hello

2008-05-11T17:17:00.001-07:00

You say Andrea listen to me

Inside I say you have no idea how hard I’m listening.

Waiting, longing

Knowing not to hope

because to you I am only a friend.

I say Stop mixing up my life.

But don’t.

Passion

2008-05-11T15:39:00.000-07:00

What is it that gives us life?

Is it the sun whose rays beat down on our heads when the days are long?

Could it be the rushing waters that flow down the street after a storm?

Or is it the electricity that sparks when your feet rub against the carpet.

It is fire.

Not the fire that you warm your toes by in the middle of winter.

Not the fire that rages through a forest, leaving darkness in its wake.

Not the fire that flickers from the candle in a church, amidst the prayers of many.

But the fire in our soul.

The passion that makes us fight to live.

This is the fire that the soldiers feel when defending their homeland.

The light that shines in the eyes of the newborn.

What happens then that light is gone?

It is the fury of the father when he is taken away from his family

The burning tears that spring from the broken heart of a girl

But what would happen if that fire was gone?

The passion that makes love

and the passion that makes war.

What happens when it's gone?

A Just War

2008-04-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

3 people i admire

1. Mrs. Nichols
Everyday when i get to school she has a smile on her face. She greets me without fail every morning. Being a new teacher at SAA it must have been hard but she jumped right in and changed the school for the better. I hope that i can be as friendly and encouraging as her.

2. Stacy Marsden- Stacy has so much poise. I have never seen her lose her temper or say a nasty remark. She has gone through a lot and yet. she still has time to ask me how my day is. she has a great sense of humor and i see God through her everyday.

3.my Mom - she was born into poverty but she worked her way to being a lawyer. When my dad got sick it was my mom who provided for my family and kept us together. When she is overwhelmed she just takes it one step at a time. She is so generous. she will take me shopping when i know she needs clothes more than me .

4. Mr. Silie- he has endless energy. When I was the new kid he sought me out and made me feel welcome. He empowers people to be more than they thought they could be. When he got married and had kids I thought he would not have time to pay attention to the students but somehow he still does.

When does humanness begin?

humanness begins when your heart starts beating.

A just war is a war that will save more lives than it losses.
If masses of people are being killed and only a war can stop it than it is just.
For it is better to loose some lives in order to save many,
than to sit back and watch it happen.

ef·fer·vesce

2008-04-22T18:17:00.000-07:00

Every passing day my character is being molded.
do i like who i have become?
will it only get harder.
or is this the worst and it will only get better.
cause man if this is the worst than this rocks!

that'd b nice
1. a perfect (but not necessarily good) guy
Advise to above guy:
RUN! i will try to destroy you.
2. a perfect(preferably bulletproof) car
^Advice to above car:
you might want to run too.
3. ....oh man

Bleeding Love

2008-04-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

ok so you know those times in your life
when your at a fork in the road.
and anything you say or do could change your life forever.
yea, i just missed one of those.

the power which commands the waves will pull you back.
back to a reunion no mortal can imagine and no female can resist.

पथोलोगिकाल्ली हन्द्सोमे।

My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking round
Thinking I’m going crazy

2008-04-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

homeshow?
or
poker.

The Dawn is Breaking

2008-04-07T13:13:00.000-07:00

ok so my life is not as perfect as i tell my self.
in fact it feels as if everything is hanging by a frayed string.
i do just enough to get by.
i cant live like this

i have made up my mind that i do not want to be like my dad.
and i dont any friends like him.
im not sure anymore.
is it that im just so awful that noone can talk to me without getting mad?
i think so. but i don't know how to stop.

i push people away because i am afraid of rejection.

Joylyn's cat just died.
she got it spayed.
and then it died
it makes me so mad at the carelessness of the doctors.
she was pregnant too.
thats 5 lives.

life isn't worth living unless it is for others

Ive lost my motivation.

please.

Help me find it??

2008-03-19T20:48:00.000-07:00

ill be leaving for belize in 5 hrs.
i cant wait
im so nervous
and so stressed
because i havent done my 7 pg paper yet.
or my bible paper
i bought trinket for the kids there n there will be a blog while im there heres the site:
http://belizemissiono8.blogspot.com/

illl miss everyone.

2008-03-17T16:47:00.001-07:00

Ok so i am writing another blog.
i should be writing the 7 page paper due wed.
or the bible paper due today
but here i am.
gosh ben im mad at you for giving esteban my blog.
i know he wont come here and it wouldn't matter if he did but
its hard enough for me to actually write my thoughts.
i guess i need to get used to it.

y is it that i always attract the same type of guy.
and always fall for the exact opposite.

i'm finally content with my friends.
i never really had a friend circle b4
ive always been accepted into a couple different ones
but now i have my own.
i see now why it is so popular. lol

2008-03-12T18:44:00.000-07:00

the problem with having friends as smart as i am is that i never feel smart.
i could be a genius but if i am surrounded by super geniuses than i i end up feeling dumb.
its all relative.
so then when i am entered into a group of average people i will still be feeling dumb.
and will act accordingly even though it is likely that i am the smartest one there.
its amazing

2008-03-04T17:44:00.001-08:00

so many people have influenced my life. i dont think i chould ever count.
from the girl i pass at the stop light to my first grade teacher.
the guys ive had crushes on and the ones ive hated.
this is a tribute to them. just a list of names.
whether it was just a passing thought or someone that i think about everyday.
if you are on this list then you have helped shape my life. and taught me lessons that make me who i am today.

Liz
Dana
Remy
Matt taylor
Emmanuel
Silie
Mr. Wilson
William A.
Alcira G.
Melinda P.
Jaime Jacobson
Wendall
Nathan Thamby
Mrs. McAllen
Mrs. Hess
Eric Engle
Holly Leach
Seema K.
Daphne
Kathy
Holla
Nick G.
Estaban C.
Alex A.
Candice C.
Ryan Comeau
Daniel C.
Sarah Dodge.
Ben H.
Joey Kanfee
Jordan Moyer
Nailah P.
Megan Hess
Addi Hudgins
Alicia Jencks
Taty Deleon
Gaby Chavez
Sierra Wilen
Yiutang
Andres Palenque
Andrea Fort
Brady Knott
Evan Knott
Areum Kim
Cassie Marroquin
Stacy Marsden
Emily Mastrapa
Olga Messenger
Ashley Morgan
Drew P.
Bryan R.
William Royster
Ethan
Jr
Andrew Stevens
Mark D.
Mark T.
Robin Welsh
Chris Wetmore
Kaitlin Yingling
Chatura
Mrs. Martin
Ms. Nixon
Kyle Brown
Mr. Jones
Seda Tolu
Alex Landis
Alexa Minesinger
J.S.
Mrs. Nichols
carlos preza
Jamal
Mr. Spangler
Brian Joseph
Alison Batchelor
Holly Batchelor
Cruzer
Joylyn
Maryjoe Boyce
Nolan Dietrich
nathan T
Laura Young.

Riddles and codes

2008-02-27T17:38:00.000-08:00

and then im thinking.
what if someone i write about reads it?
WHO CARES.
Andrea, honestly no1 is going to read this
no1 even knows you have 1
except for the select few you told.

im so used to talking in riddles and codes.
i dont think i actually know how to tell someone exactly how i feel.
i'm always afraid that any info i give will be used against me.
and it will.

ive always observed people and tried to figure them out.
but i cant even figure myself out.
why am i so afraid to fall in love.
ive never had a broken heart
but ive broken many.

i want to want to fall in love.
does that make sense?
i don't think i'm capable of it.
its not that i don't love people.
i love everyone. a lot.
maybe thats why i have so many problems.
the things(and people) i cant have are always the ones i want the most.
i almost don't want him to like me because
im afraid as soon as he starts pursuing me i'll loose interest.

funny he is so used to having girls want him that he takes them for granted.
sounds familiar.

yuck.
i think im going to delete.
and then empty the trash.
hah

2008-02-27T17:34:00.000-08:00

gosh the point of a blog is to get your thoughts out.
but whenever i come to post.
they all cram to get free and end up getting stuck in the door
so im sitting here with a mess in my head.
another day another pointless blog.

2008-02-26T20:17:00.000-08:00

woohoo!! i got music on my blogs!
ahahaha i am so amazing.
and so is my music.
thats all.

2008-02-22T21:26:00.000-08:00

the retreat was everything i wanted and more.
it was amazing. like an escape from reality.
i loved the couches and the games and the cabins.
i feel so renewed. or at least i did when i 1st got back.
right before my world came crashing down.
or at least the part with one of my best friends.
i would never have imagined it could end so quickly.
all because of some gossip that someone told.
i feel like hating the person who spread it but the truth is,
if my relationship had had a solid foundation
then something as small as a rumor wouldn't have made a difference.
so here i am
1 less friend. and 1 more lesson learned.

moving on.
my question 4 the day :
is it possible for me to be really good friends with a guy
without being attracted to them at all?

i feel like i am walking a picked fence.
not so good

i realize that i don't trust girls.
they are not sincere.
(with the exception of two people.)
i would not tell a girl even my smallest secrets
i would rather hang out with guys any day.
only thing is. i don't trust the guys that dislike like me.
and i run from the guys that do like me.

were does that leave me.

2008-02-14T19:56:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day!!!
it was great.
i think i am spoiled.
any other girl would think
getting a couple valentines candy n roses is great.
but no.
38 roses is hard to beat.
as great as it feals to get valentines its nothing
compared to seeing someones who thinks that they've been forgotten
and everyone else has a balloon and candy
to see there face light up as you hand them a valentine.
why do some girls get 30 and others get none.
it reminds me of a charlie brown comic that i read

i am looking foward to the retreat with all my heart.lol
i can't wait for the drive up
i cant wait to play capture the flag
and poker
i cant wait to dance in the cabins at night
and in the field
if i can do those things and maybe one other i will be happy.
:)
i am dreading driving all the way back for lazertag.

i am directionally challenged.

2008-02-06T18:36:00.000-08:00

Music is my Language
Music and touch.
its like the air i breath
a song can describe your life.
i feel like its a soundtrack.

i long for the warm balmy nights
and the crickets in the grass
lying on my trampoline smelling the earth
a different nail polish color on every toe.
someone laughing beside me
not a care in the world

it wa so nice today it reminded me of that.

2008-01-30T15:08:00.000-08:00

हेल्लो
that Hindi button is pretty sweet.
my rooms a mess n i dont feel like cleaning it.
in fact i dont feel like doing anything.
निक
what am i going to do.
i have so much homework, and a newspaper article to write.
its so hard not having a car to use.
हेल्प
i hate to be a burden to my friends.
but i feel like one right now.
i think im just going through that teenage depressed stage.
लोवे
i cannot like him right now. of all the guys.
i don't want to think about next year.
im so scared of everyone leaving.
i don't want to grow up.
सुच्कुम्ब
im actually feeling kinda sick of valentines day
as many gifts as i may get.
its all bogus.
i want the real thing

2008-01-21T18:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Queen Bee,
I have a problem.
there are five guys who are "in love with me"
and I like them all. is that possible?
i know i should think myself lucky
but it feels like more of a curse
if only one guy liked me then choosing would not be a problem.
but now if i choose one the other four will be lost
it sounds shallow
but i think selfish is a better word

All i want is to be friends
but i know if i tell them that
we will be friends,
The kind that passes each other in hallways
without looking at each other.
The kind that smiles politely in group conversations
but never talks to you one on one.
so i go on because i cannot bear to loose another friend.
And then my one real guy friend,
I have fallen for.
But he has no clue
and i cannot tell him for fear of ruining our friendship.
What should I do??
- Unsure
Dear Unsure,
You really have dug yourself into a hole.
It sounds like you are not completely satisfied with any of the guys you spoke of.
My advice is don't settle.
You are worth more than that.
But leading guys on is deceptive and unkind.
Gently tell them how you feel and hope for the best.
If you have truly fallen for the guy that is your friend then the question is:
are you willing to risk your friendship?
That is a decision that i cannot make for you.
but long as you follow your heart I believe that you will do the right thing.
-Queen Bee

"undercover lover"

2008-01-21T18:41:00.000-08:00

Valentines day is coming!!
4th favorite holiday.
looks like im going to be single this year. :)
i guess i should b longing for some prince charming and what not
yuck.
from my experience valentines day is more fun when i don't have a boyfriend.

2008-01-16T18:05:00.001-08:00

funny how much a new hair cut can change my perspective on life.

grades and other such rubbish

2008-01-13T19:35:00.000-08:00

My parents just told me that i am going to have to
quit gymnastics because of my grades.
thats rubbish.
if i was a cusser here is where i would do it.
my grades are awful.
in fact it feels like my life is awful right now.
why can't they ask me to quit some i hate like choir. or newspaper.
gymnastics is like my only hope in the Day.
without that?....grades.
i don't give a damn
so tomorrow i'm supposed to bring donuts for the class. great.
something that i normally would love to do.
now all i can see if me trying to act happy go lucky when all i'm thinking is someone please shoot me.
although i think i've become pretty good at pretending.

the worst part is, i don't do anything in gymnastics.

a new leaf

2008-01-11T14:50:00.000-08:00

so i finally got a blog.